Smokehead Description:

“Smokehead” is one of the first self-portraits I created to help myself process and deal with the anxiety that I have battled for many years.  

As someone who lives with high functioning generalized anxiety disorder, I may often appear as someone who is put together and functions quite successfully on the outside, but in reality, I deal with constant worry, ruminations, stress, and obsessive thoughts.  

In my self-portrait, I painted black smoke coming out of my mouth to symbolize the toxic thoughts that cause my anxiety and often manifest as physical symptoms in my body.  When I am in a moment of heightened anxiety, I envision taking a deep breath and being able to blow these toxins out of my mouth to relieve the pressure and pain they cause me physically and mentally.  

My hair is swirling around as if there is an invisible wind source to illustrate the constant anxiety that is ever present and threatens to ruffle my polished exterior.  The white smoke that emanates from my strands of hair illustrate a brain that is spinning out of control, much like an overheated engine.  When my anxious thoughts take over, it is difficult to think straight, make decisions, and multi-task – it feels as if smoke has clouded my mind and obscured my vision. 

The blues and oranges in the background represent how anxiety can ebb and flow from day to day, pushing and pulling me in a variety of directions. 

The hand that stretches out and rests on mine represents my mother’s.  She died of cancer when I was just 13 years old.  I often envision that she is comforting me in moments of stress and sadness.  Since I do not have a photo of her hand, I wore her wedding ring and had my husband photograph me with my hand in this outstretched position.  I like to think that my hands probably resemble hers in some way.  The hand in the painting fades into the edge of the canvas to suggest that it is from the heavens.  

I included a subtle silhouette of an angel figure made up of wisps of smoke in the upper righthand corner of the painting to represent the idea that ridding your body of anxiety can set you free.  Anyone who struggles with anxiety can appreciate how debilitating it can be both mentally and physically.  Being able to use different strategies to manage it means this freedom is a possibility and gives me hope.

“Smokehead” is my visual depiction of what living with anxiety looks like for me.